


The Tale of the Terrible Weretortise

by GhostyPepperWrites



Category: Homestar Runner
Genre: Halloween, Other, Silly fanepisode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 16:09:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20876996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostyPepperWrites/pseuds/GhostyPepperWrites
Summary: It's Halloween night, and everyone is as excited as ever! Just before everybody can get to their plans for this year, tragedy strikes!A beast has appeared in Free, Country USA and it is up to Homestar Runner and his friends to save the day![The following text is written in SCRIPT formatting, as it is intended to be a fan episode]Costumes are as follows:Homestar- Uncle Jesse (Full House)Marzipan-  She-ra (reboot)Strong Bad- Space GhostStrong Mad- Kingpin (Into the Spiderverse)Strong Sad- Elton JohnThe Cheat- Kid that gets killed first in (IT)Coach Z- Lil Nas XBubs- Merchant (Resident Evil 4)Homsar- Sans UndertaleKing of Town- Tide Pod (yes really)The Poopsmith- Ash (Evil Dead)Pom Pom- UFO





	The Tale of the Terrible Weretortise

Title: The Tale of the Terrible Weretortise

[Opening Scene]  
Living Room: [Open with Strong Bad and The Cheat getting ready to go out for a fantastic Halloween]

Strong Bad: The Cheat, I've just made a breakthrough! I have the perfect plan on how to get the most candy this year.

The Cheat: [confused The Cheat noise]

Strong Bad: First, we raid The King Of Town's castle so we can--

[Strong Bad gets interrupted by Strong Sad entering the room]

Strong Bad: [Looking annoyed already] Oh boy, here to ruin another Halloween with your creepy and/or whiney shenanigans?

Strong Sad: [shaking his head] Heavens no! I'm staying inside this year, and I suggest you two do the same! Don't you know there's a wild animal on the loose?

Strong Bad: No way, really?? Is it like...a lion? Or a tiger? Or a Liger...with lazer eyes?

Strong Sad: It's a tortoise!

Strong Bad: [Disappointed] Oh...well, have fun or whatever. Anyway, I'll explain the rest of the plan later. Let's go, The Cheat!

The Cheat: [excited The Cheat sounds]

Strong Mad: [pushing past Strong Sad] I WANT TO TRICK OR TREEEAAAAT!

[Strong Bad, The Cheat, and Strong Mad all leave the house with their costumes worn proudly. Strong Bad is rambling about his plan again]

Strong Bad: ...and then we pour gasoline on Homestar. See? Full proof plan!

Strong Mad: I’M CONFUSED!!!

[They all start walking to Bubs's concession stand to pick up some last minute supplies. Coach Z and Pom Pom are hanging around there too.]

Bubs: I can tell that you decided to go in a different "direction" with your costume this year, Coach Z.

Coach Z: Whadyada mean, Bubs? I'm Lil noz ex! Ynkow-- I gort the horses in the bark?

Pom Pom: [laughs with bubble noises]

Bubs: Yeah, sure you are! And I'm the tooth fairy!

Coach Z: [not even with a hint of sarcasm] Wait really?

[Strong Bad and the other two appear in frame]

Strong Bad: Move over, clowns. We gentlemen have VERY important business to attend to. Bubs, I need a gallon of gasoline, some saltine crackers, and a crowbar.

Bubs: Got it! [Bubs shuffles around in the back]

Coach Z: [desperately] SB! Ya know who I'm supposed to be, right? Gonna ride my horse to da old town rord, I’m gonna ride ‘till I can’t no more!

Strong Bad: A creepy, depressed old man that should be kept away from children?

Coach Z: Harsh. Speaking orf deprorssion, where's the whort one?

Strong Bad: [Confused at first] The white o-OH! Strong Sad decided to stay home because of a turtle on the loose.

Coach Z: Oh that Strong Sad is such a hoot, lemme tell ya.

[Suddenly, a loud and girly scream could be heard in the distance.]

Strong Bad: Woah, what was that? Either something hilarious just happened or someone just died.

Strong Mad: I DON'T LIKE THIS!

[This caused everyone* to drop what they were doing and meet up with Homestar, Marzipan, The King of Town, and The Poopsmith as they surround the stick...or where the stick USED to be]  
(*except for Strong Sad and Homsar)

Marzipan: [turned around, only to see the others gather around] Oh my goodness, this is just awful!

Strong Bad: Was that you screaming?

Marzipan: What? No, that was Homestar.

Homestar: [on his knees, sobbing in front of where the stick used to be] Nooo! Not the stick…! He was so young!

Strong Bad: [Gasping] The Stick?! What happened?

Homestar: [Sniffling] Well, it all started when Marzipan and I were walking together as we tried to remember if we were dating or not. Then we saw the King Of Town...what were you doing again?

King of Town: I was standing over here eating pumpkin spice face ointment when this vile creature came over and stole the stick! It was big and green and--

Marzipan: --and it's right THERE!

[Dramatic music plays as the camera shifts over to a large tortoise slowly walking away from the crime scene with the stick in his mouth. Everyone gasps]

[Record scratch]  
Strong Bad: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! That stupid ninja turtle reject is not going to ruin my Halloween.

[Just as Strong Bad was about to sprint forward, Bubs reached over and pulled him back]

Bubs: Now hang on just a diddly darn dang minute! I've seen that creature before.

[Bubs pulled out an old looking book from... somewhere?]

Bubs: This is a book as old as time itself. It tells tales of mediocre monsters and average atrocities. I got it from a garage sale in '73!

Homestar: Woah, 73 B.C? I didn't know you were THAT old, Bubs!

Bubs: [Trying to ignore Homestar's insulting comment] ...Anyway- [opens the book]. This right here is the legendary Weretortoise! It comes out every 665th Halloween during a leap year, looking for innocent victims to prey on.

Marzipan: Bubs that doesn't make any sense.

Bubs: If it bites you, you will turn into a tortoise too! There is a cure for it, but it will only work under a 5-10 minute window.

Strong Bad: Can we please get the stick back now? I haven't even bashed Homsar's head in with a crowbar yet.

Bubs: Fine! I vote that Coach Z goes.

Coach Z: Wait wort? No way! The King of Town should go since he just stood thare and did northing!

King Of Town: Then who will be king if I die? Or become a turtle? I declare that Homestar Runner should rescue the stick!

Homestar: Oh please, [awful Jesse impression] have mercy. I think Marzipan should slay the beast.

Marzipan: You know I don't condone the killing of animals! What about Strong Mad?

Strong Mad: NOOO!

[Everybody else continued to argue about who should go fetch the stick from the tortoise, their voices overlapping each other. Finally, Strong Bad couldn't take it anymore.]

Strong Bad: OK! ILL GET THE STICK FROM THE STUPID TURTLE! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! [He let out a short, frustrated scream before charging towards the tortoise (who barely moved since then)]

[The tortoise slowly turned its head towards Strong Bad as he was running towards it. It looked indifferent to the situation.]

Strong Bad: Aha! [Strong Bad grabbed onto the stick and tried to pull it away]

[The tortoise blinked slowly before lunging forward, biting Strong Bad's hand.]

Strong Bad: AAAA! [He let go of the stick and recoiled in pain.]

[Noticing that the tortoise had somehow bitten hard enough to cut SB's skin through his thick boxing glove hands, Strong Bad watched himself bleed a bit in horror (and annoyance)]

Strong Bad: It bit me! I...I...oh no, I don't feel so good. [Strong Bad fell to the ground and began to transform before their very eyes]

[Poof: He’s a tortoise now]

Homestar: Nooooo! Stwrong Bad! Why him? I never got to tell him how much I loved him…

Strong Bad: Homestar I'm still here! I'm just really slow and short.

Homestar: Oh. That isn't too bad actually.

Marzipan: That Weretortise is getting away with the stick! Somebody do something please!

Pom Pom: [Angered bubble noises]

[Pom Pom, who also wanted to try and be a hero, made the exact same foolish mistake Strong Bad made. Thankfully, the Weretortise didn't bite hard enough to pop Pom Pom]

[With that, Pom Pom also poofs into a tortoise]

Pom Pom: [Sad bubble noises]

Coach Z: [backing away] Ooooh no! Nuh uh! I am stayin ortta this!

Bubs: Quick, everybody into my stand!

Homestar: But what about Stwrong Bad and Pom Pom?

Bubs: [dramatic lighting on his face] Leave them behind, they're dead already…

Strong Bad Tortoise: I'M NOT FREAKING DEAD!

[Everyone (except SB and Pom Pom) rushes into Bub's concession stand. Bubs pulls the metal window-door down, but still leaving a tiny bit open so that they can peak out from it]

Homestar: [whispering] What's it doing?

Bubs: [whispering] Walking. Very...very...slowly.

[Scene cuts to the Weretortise still walking very slowly with The Stick.]

Strong Mad: I'M BEING SQUISHED.

Coach Z: [from behind Strong Mad] Oh, so YOU'RE squirshed? 

Bubs: Listen, I know it's kinda tight, but it's our only chance of survival! We already have two men down.

Strong Bad: [Standing outside of the stand w/Pom Pom] Stop saying we died!

Bubs: [Sniffling] It almost sounds like I can still hear their voices...and see them.

Strong Bad: Can you please let us inside? It's freezing out here.

Coach Z: How do we know ya ain't just gonna inferct us?

Strong Bad: I'm not going to! Trust me, even I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Marzipan: Wait a minute—didn't you say something about a cure?

Bubs: Huh? Oh yeah, I did! It's right here in this book.

Homestar: Does it, perhaps, involve a witch's brew?

Bubs: Kinda! All you need to do is collect some emo tears, candy dust, and a bottle of Pepto bismol! Then you put it in the microwave for 30 seconds.

Homestar: Oh this should be easy!  
[Homestar runs out of the stand, but not before picking up his two tortoise-transformed friends]

Homestar: C'mon, guys! Let's save Halloween!

Strong Bad: 'Bout time someone finally acknowledges our existence.

[Homestar, Pom Pom Tortoise, Strong Bad Tortoise, and The Cheat (because what else would he be doing?) all walk off camera while everyone else stays in the safety of Bub's stand.]

[The first location is The Brothers Strong house.]

[Homestar knocks on the front door with his face]  
Homestar: Twick or tweat, smell my feet—

[Strong Sad opens the door before Homestar could finish that horrible song, much to Strong Bad and Pom Pom's relief]

Strong Sad: Homestar, what are you doing? Didn't you hear about— [he pauses before looking down at Pom Pom and Strong Bad as little tortoises]

[Strong Sad gasps, shocked at first, before smiling in slight amusement]

Strong Sad: And what do we have here? Mr. "I ain't afraid of no tortoise" himself.

Strong Bad: Ok ok, you were right! Can you help us?

Homestar: We need the tears of an emo kid for a witch's brew. Do you know any?

Strong Sad: Well, I identify more as a "Nu Goth", but I believe I could assist. I must warn you, I've lived with Strong Bad long enough to be immune to most of his insults.

Strong Bad: [Sarcastically] Yeah I bet, you 6 piece chicken McNobody!

Strong Sad: [yawning] Heard it.

Strong Bad: Well—er...you're fat!

Strong Sad: Is that the best you got, turtle boy?

[Strong Bad grumbles in frustration. The Cheat then beckons Homestar to lower Strong Bad to his level. The Cheat whispers to Strong Bad]

Strong Bad: What…? Are you crazy…? Ugh, fine.  
[He clears his throat]

Strong Bad: [slow zoom in] Strong Sad, I know I haven't been the best brother to you. I just wanted to say that, well, you're an amazing guy. You are talented and intelligent. You're the best brother a tortoise could ask for.

Strong Sad: [tearing up] Do...do you really mean all of that?

Homestar: [gets a test tube from out of nowhere and collects the tears] We got it!

Strong Bad: Great! Now let's leave.

[All 4 of them began to walk away before Strong Sad ran out after them]

Strong Sad: Wait! I still need closure!

The Cheat: [happy sounds because his idea worked]

[Back at Bub's stand]

[Coach Z and Bubs are both keeping their eyes on the tortoise, which barely moved.]

Coach Z: [whispering] Do ya think it can smerll us?

Bubs: [whispering back] Tortoises aren't exactly known for their sense of smell. Besides, if it could smell anything, it would be The Poopsmith's B.O.

Marzipan: I am sick of just sitting here and letting the poor stick suffer like this! I'm going out.  
[Marzipan exits through the back door]

Bubs: Well, it's your funeral.

[Marzipan approaches the Weretortise with a kind smile]

Marzipan: Excuse me, Mr. Weretortise. Can you please let go of The Stick?

[The Weretortise blinks slowly before biting Marzipan's knees. She let out a scream]

[Then poof, Tortoise time.]

Coach Z: AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH! Bubs, hold me! [Coach Z hops right onto Bubs]

Bubs: Get off of me, hooligan!

Strong Mad: I WANT TO BE HELD TOO!

Bubs: Neither of you need to be up on me right now! If I even get a single touch, from The Poopsmith—...wait, where is he?

Coach Z: He disappeoorrd!  
[Dun dun duuuuuuuun!]

[Back to our heros Homestar, SB, PomPom, The Cheat, and the new party member Strong Sad.]

Strong Bad: Is he still following us?

Homestar: [looks behind him] Nope! Wait, yes.

Strong Sad: Strong Bad! You can't just say something like that and expect me NOT to follow you around.

Strong Bad: Listen man. We can talk about this later, but right now isn't the time. I don't want to be a tortoise for the rest of my life, so we can't mess around anymore.

Strong Sad: I can at least help you guys out. What was that thing you needed again?

Homestar: Candy dwust. And I know exactly where to get a bwuttload of it! Follow me, boys!

[The party of idiots head to the King Of Town's castle]

Strong Bad: Hang on, I got this.  
[He hopped out of Homestar's invisible arms and dug his head right under KOT's welcome Matt]

Pom Pom: [bubbles to remind everyone that he's still in this episode]

Strong Sad: Isn't it illegal to break into someone's house while they aren't home? Actually, why do I even have to ask?

Strong Bad: If The King of Town cared about not being broken into, he wouldn't keep a key under his mat. Now lift me up!

[Soon, the party had broken into KOT's castle.]

Homestar: Alwright, everyone. Start looking for some cawndy.

[After searching around KOT's kitchen, Strong Sad eventually found a full jar of candy. It was mostly filled with the crappy candy you would get at the clearance bin last minute, but you get the idea.]

Strong Sad: Hey guys, I found some. Can we go now?

Strong Bad: No no! You gotta crush it up into dust first! Stomp on it with your giant, disgusting elephant feet.

Strong Sad: [long long sigh] Fine.  
[And so he does]

[Meanwhile, back at the Fortress of Imbeciles (Bub's Stand)]

[KOT seemed to have turned into a tortoise off screen since it probably wasn't Interesting enough to show on screen]

KOT: I wanted to get a taste, but the tortoise took a taste of me instead.

Bubs: [rubbing his forehead in frustration] Alright. All that's left is you (Coach Z), me, Strong Mad, Homestar, and Strong Sad.

Coach Z: Don't forget The Chort!

Bubs: [deep sigh] Welp, we're doomed.

Coach Z: Ey, look on the brout side! We got to spend more time together. We're all going to look back at this mess and laurth.

Marzipan: [from outside] I think we should all start getting used to our new, inevitable lives. Tortoise pride!

Strong Mad: IT'S STILL CRAMPED!

Bubs: Will you three shut it? Man, I hope Homestar gets here soon.

Coach Z: Aye! I just remembared! I got some Pepto bizmar in the lorker room. I have to go tell them. Pass my legacy to my grandchildren if I die!  
[Coach Z scuttles out from the back door]

Bubs: What grandchildren?? Oh, never mind. Guess it's just me and—Strong Mad?

[Whoops, turns out Strong Mad got sick of being inside of the stand for the whole night. He ran out after Coach Z, causing a SM-sized hole to form after crashing through the wall]

[He got bit, also. Coach Z is likely next.]

Bubs: [bangs his head against the metal serving door]

Marzipan: Right on, Strong Mad! Here, let me sing you a song I just made up.

[Singing] Oooh how it's great to be a tortoise, eating leaves in the forest~

Strong Mad: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Meanwhile (once again), our heros are starting to head back to Bub's stand with ⅔ ingredients]

Homestar: Good work, team! Now we just need to hurry and get the Pepto bismol!

The Cheat: [Cheat sounds]

Strong Bad: Yeah, why can't we just stop at a corner store and buy a bottle? Those things are always open, especially late at night!

Homestar: We don't have time! Halloween must be saved!

Pom Pom: [Bubbles]

Homestar: Why are you guys so negative?

[Suddenly, a panicked Coach Z came running in their direction]

Coach Z: [stops in front of Homestar and pants heavily] Oh I tell ya, Homestay...it almost got me. Marzipan, King of Torn, and Strong Mad are ort for the cournt.

Homestar: Don't worry, buddy! Uncle Homestar is on his way over!

Coach Z: Hang on hang on hang on. I know where ya can get yerself a bortle of Pepto. Follow me.

[Cut to Coach Z leading the party into the locker rooms]

Strong Bad: [whispering @ Homestar] Of course it would be here. Let's just grab it and get out of here before we catch some ancient, third world country fungi.

Homestar: Aye aye, Captain!

Coach Z: Now...where wers it again?

[Quick montage of every non-tortoise character checking the lockers. At one point, Homsar is found in one of them]

Homsar: IIIIIIIIIIImm a silly skeleton maaaaaaaan~

[Soon, Homestar finally finds the correct locker with the Pepto Bismol inside] 

Homestar: Hey, I got it! Coach I got it! ...Coach?

[Homestar turns around, only to see Coach Z crawling on the floor weakly away the Weretortise, who had bitten him]

Strong Sad: AAAH! How did it get all the way in here so quickly??

[Quick cut back to Bubs]  
Bubs: [holding a shotgun] Well, shooting it didn't work, but at least I finally scared it away!  
[Cut back to Homestar and the rest]

Homestar: Coach noooo! You were so—...old.

The Cheat: [Cheat screams]

Pom Pom: [scared bubbles]

Strong Bad: We need to leave! That thing is armed!

[The Weretortise still had The Stick and was not afraid to use it]

[Homestar holds tortoise SB and Pom Pom in his invisible arms as he runs as fast as he can out of the locker room.]

[Not too long after, the slow Strong Sad gets left behind]

Strong Sad: Guys! W-wait up [huffing]...for [puffing]...me…

[The Weretortise caught up to Strong Sad, this making him another tortoise along with Coach Z and everyone else]

[The Cheat was getting tired of trying to keep up with the fast Homestar Runner, which caused him to gradually slow down]

Strong Bad: HOMESTAR! YOU GOTTA TURN AROUND AND GET HIM, MAN! Who else will be my minion/lawyer?

Homestar: Sorry, Stwrong Bad. We all have to make sacrifices for the greater good.

[Soon, The Cheat meets the exact same fate as the last two]

Strong Bad: The Cheat!! I'm coming, buddy!  
[Tortoise SB jumped out of Homestar's arms to crawl after the fallen The Cheat]

[After running, Homestar finds himself cornered in a dead end.]

[At this point, Pom Pom figured he was too cool to be wrapped up in this anymore, so he left too.]

Homestar: Pom Pom, where are you going? [Sigh] I guess I'm stuck here. It is the end of the line for the lovable and huggable Homestar Runner…

[Just as the Weretortise is getting close enough to bite Homestar, the spade of a shovel lands and blocks the Weretortise's path]

Homestar: [gasps] The Poopsmith?

The Poopsmith: …

[The Poopsmith reaches down, ripping The Stick out of the Weretortise's mouth and saving The Stick.]

Homestar: Wow...you make it look so easy!

[Time cut to a few minutes later, where the witches brew of Emo Tears, Candy Dust, and Pepto Bismol is being made in KOT's castle by The Poopsmith]

[The witches brew has just been passed out to everybody and, once consumed, turned everybody back to normal]

Strong Bad: Yes! My handsome figure has been restored to its glory!

Homestar: Yay! Oh, that reminds me. King Of Town, I think you got something to say to good ol' PS!

King of Town: Huh? Hmm, Poopsmith...I think the brew needed more of that Pepto Bismol, it would taste a lot better!

The Poopsmith: ...

Homestar: Yeah, good job!

Bubs: I think we all learned a valuable lesson today.

Marzipan: And what would that be, Bubs?

Bubs: Never ever disobey me again!

Homestar: [laughing] Oh Bubs!

[Sitcom ending music and credits]

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at episode writing, so I would love to hear what you guys think, how I could improve, and/or any other ideas you may have!
> 
> I'm also planning on updating this with some additional content such as End Toon Costume Comments and more


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